No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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