he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
