all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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