we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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