it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
