You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
