someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just threw up on my dentist
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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