i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
