You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My balls are so social today.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
