I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
