There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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