Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
