Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
