I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize