im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
