Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
