I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize