My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
