I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
