If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
