I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
