why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
