I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
