oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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