Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
