Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
