Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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