when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
