And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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