tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
