so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
