I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize