You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
