we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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