My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i think my cat just said my name.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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