Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
