This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
