I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
