Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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