my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize