Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
