Three words: puerto rican gang bang
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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