woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
