I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The uberlube is also flammable
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
