i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
