I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
