Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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