i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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