i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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