I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
