and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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