My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
