Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize