Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
