I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
