youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
