apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
