Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
