Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
